I always like the lyrics: “There is nothing to stop, my heart’s yearning for freedom, please forgive me, I am unruly and wild all my life.” For me, freedom is more important than anything.
In order to have the capital to go and go at any time, I will spare no obstacles to my freedom. However, the occurrence of one thing has completely changed my mind. It turned out that it is always to pay back when you come out, and freedom is also synonymous with loneliness.
A few months ago, when I discovered that I was pregnant unexpectedly, I was as surprised as I knew I was seriously ill. The boyfriend was very happy and urged me to get married. I, who has always pursued freedom and independence, dare not enter the palace of marriage, and do not want to bind myself to a small family with three meals a day. I think I belong to the sky and ocean, and my world is vast. After a long quarrel, in the end we broke up, and were wide apart.
I was still complaining at the time, why no one understood me? Life is already tough and full of dangers, why should you overwhelm yourself? Why should the child come to suffer? Why can’t we live a life without care? I do not understand. No matter who accuses me of not being responsible or humane, I have decided not to be this kid!
I can make such a decision, indeed, I am still a child who has not grown up. I originally thought that after removing this burden, I would relax my body and mind. But I never imagined that it still cast a shadow in my heart.
When the child left my body, the kind of heartbreaking pain made me think for a time that it was definitely a punishment from heaven, the child’s heart was unwilling, and it was abandoned resentment. For the first time, I felt faintly that everything might be spiritual, but I didn’t know that I made a big mistake.
After the recovery period, I often dreamed of going to the operating table at night. Every time I woke up, I was sweating and my heart was lingering. I think that my subconscious seems start to regret or guilty. However, the path of your choice has to be walked on your knees. I told myself sideways that it was wise and normal to do so, and I was not wrong.
In my free time, I still travel around and enjoy freedom. However, I clearly felt that the mood began to be a little different, and some things had begun to change. There is a bird view scenery in front of me but I felt “its just so so only” in front of me; There lot of delicious food but I felt that “is the same and nothing speccial” when I tasted it. Interesting stuffs starts become boring, what’s wrong with me?
I must be too tired so better rest at home. Insomnia is terrible if you can’t sleep all night. I decided to find something to do, and being busy would make people think random. Unfortunately, I am not interested in anything gradually include baking, painting, pottery, musical instruments, even the fanatical party, I can’t cheer up the spirit, but the more lively atmosphere, the more I feel loneliness.
Loneliness? I suddenly woke up, yes, it was this emotion that bound me! It turned out that what I took away from my body was not just the child, but also my spirit. I didn’t expect it, I really didn’t expect it.
I felt deep sorrow for myself. The remorse that I had always refused to admit was overwhelming. I couldn’t help but cover my face and wept softly. All the karma abandoned by me in the past seems to have finally returned to me, this time, for me to be abandoned. In the mountains and rivers, where the heights are extremely cold, the ultimate freedom turned out to be the ultimate loneliness. I finally understood why the ancient emperors would call themselves “solitary widows.”
After losing that child, I lived into a desert island gradually. The island is barren with weeds, and beyond the island there is a vast ocean that cannot be crossed. I wandered in a prison built with my remorse, hesitating in a labyrinth made of inner guilt, and I couldn’t get out. If time can go back and return to that cold operating table, I think I will try my best to escape. No, rewind a little bit, I would never make that stupid decision!
Everyone just said it was wrong at the time, and it has been a hundred years since I looked back. Where will my salvation be?
Article from — iFeng